Marriage Counseling: Before Marriage

1. Before Marriage

According to proper marriage teaching protocols, Marriage Counseling – Before Marriage – should traditionally progress through two main stages:

• First: Introduce Independent “Self Relationship”
• Second: Introducing “Couples Relationship”

SELF RELATIONSHIP (#1)

Some Popular Self-Relationship Teachings:

In the World – what you are “identified with” – is the “source of your suffering” (Your identity is a Programmed skill set – that can be triggered through various emotional and mental responses)

The wounds of the spirit are brought about by ME – NOT OTHERS. I activate the energetic “Charge” of each Trigger Mechanism

You must destroy the “internal demon” that maintains the “story” and causes you to unconsciously and immediately react… (Like attracts Like) When you are over-ridden with an emotion – you will naturally attract the same kind of psychic emotion to you.

The influence of your “Friends” is stronger than the influence of your personal “Will”

Show me your “Friends” and I will tell you who you are…

If you live your life as a “rotting” energy – you will attract energetic parasites, worms, maggots, and Gui (ghosts) that “feed off” of rotting turbid energy..

Your vanity gets its food through Criticizing – Condemning – and Complaining (there is no blame – without shame)

“The Awakening Game”

This “game” is designed to expose the imprinted “controls” that are sometimes subconsciously placed within each individual through trance induction. In order to “play” the game, divide into small groups of 2 individuals – face each other, and maintain eye contact. One will repeat the phrase, while the other simply listens. After several minutes – switch roles. Once the game is over – begin the process work:

1. “I love you so much – and I want you to succeed – so I will disapprove of you until you change!!!
2. “I love you so much – and I want you to succeed – so I will take charge of you and control you – until I am happy!!!

Observe the irony and covert manipulation in these statements. Discuss how people consciously and unconsciously try to influence, manipulate, and coerce behavioral patterns in their mates. If any of these behavioral patterns seem “normal”  – discuss how and who you learned them from and why.  Then, consciously choose to disconnect from acting out these patterns. For your “Homework,” throughout the day, try to maintain a conscious awareness of how you speak to your mate and why you say the things that you do. Be aware of your intention and agenda.

SELF RELATIONSHIP (#2)

Some Popular Self-Relationship Teachings:

Choose to focus on positively giving to yourself and others – and develop loving memories.

If you spiritually eat more – you have to spiritually eliminate more – The higher you soar – the more you have to eliminate…

Start by being a friend to yourself – Respect your body – speech – and mind

You Bring Significance and Meaning to Your Life

You Give Significance and Meaning to Your Life

You Bring the Value to your Life

Be Nourished by Your Own Presence  

• Am I lovable?
• Who’s responsible for loving me?
• How lovable are you?

God loves you just the way you are – and he also loves you too much to allow you to stay that way…

The “Old You” subconsciously chooses its patterned reality – Based on the need for Control, Approval, and Security –

In order to alter and change these “survival” patterns. And STOP repeating the “Same Old Story”

Your Old Story must be continually challenged – And you must be willing to choose a New Story

Through which to Transform Yourself and your Pattern Based Reactions..

In order to Transform Your Story – You must be:

1. Willing to Learn
2. Willing to Change
3. Willing to Ask
4. Willing to Listen
5. Willing to Act
6. Willing to Reflect on the results of your actions

How will you do this??

Transformation – Questions #1 (Self)

All relationships are built on thought patterns. The following questions are designed to reveal ancient illusions and thought patterns that we have inherited from our past Karma.  – They invoke the Higher Creative Intelligence that is free from these programmed patterns. – In going to a whole new level of being – sometimes you need to completely overhaul your old being…

This is the purpose and energetic function of Death (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual)

1. The Prep – Do the 1-10 Meditation and 3 Invocations
2. From your core Self – radiate the following spiritual states

into infinite space: Joy – Openness – Love – Kindness – and Awareness

1. Begin to answer the following Questions:

• When do I do myself the most good?
• When do I do others the most good?
• When do I do both myself and others the most good?
• If you are not your body, speech, or mind, who are you?
• If you were to die within 2 weeks – what would you regret not having done?

 Transformation – Questions #2 (Family)

On a different piece of paper – per each family member – (grandmother – grandfather – mom – dad – brother – sister – daughter – son)

Answer the following questions:

• What did they do to you?
• What did you do to them?
• What did they deny you?
• What did you deny them?

 Transformation – Questions #3 (Now)

On a different piece of paper – Answer the following questions:

• Who or what am I afraid of now?
• Who or what do I want to control now?
• Who’s approval do I want now?
• Am I insecure now?
• Who or what do I want to be separated from now?
• What’s the worst thing that can happen to me now?
• Who or what am I resisting now?
• Can I let go of protecting myself with fear?
• Can I let go of being so smart – and realize that it could be more than I think it is?
• What people – places – or things do I want more than freedom?

 Transformation – Questions #4 (Old Lovers)

On a different piece of paper – make a list of all of your old lovers – Answer the following questions:

• What is the worst fear surrounding that relationship?
• What are the physical sensations, feelings, thoughts, and ideas surrounding these feelings?
• What am I avoiding?
• Could I allow them to be in the past?
• Could I allow them to leave me – to be gone?
• Could I allow them to move on?
• Could I allow myself to move on?
• Could I allow myself to never see this person again?
• Could I allow it to be totally finished?
• Could I allow myself to forget this person?
• Could I allow this person to forget me?

 Transformation – Questions #5 (Old Experiences)

On a different piece of paper – make a list of all of your old acquaintances, all of the people with whom you experienced a dramatic and traumatic exchange  – Include all of the people you trusted as “friends” – but were betrayed by them – Answer the following questions:

• Could I allow them to be in the past?
• Could I allow them to leave me – to be gone?
• Could I allow them to move on?
• Could I allow myself to move on?

 Transformation – Questions #6 (Your Mate)

On a different piece of paper – Answer the following questions:

• What do I know about my mate?
• What don’t I know about my mate?
• What do I want from my mate?
• Is this “checklist” mutual?
• What does my mate want from me?
• Is this “checklist” mutual?
• What do I want to give my mate?
• Is this “checklist” mutual?
• What does my mate want to give me?
• Is this “checklist” mutual?
• What is mutual between myself and my mate?
• What is not mutual between myself and my mate?
• What is the advantage of my relationship with my mate?
• What is the disadvantage of my relationship with my mate?
• Could you see your mate staying beside you when you die?
• Could you see yourself staying beside your mates when they die?
• If you were suddenly crippled – would your mate still be with you?
• If your mate was suddenly crippled – would you still be with them?

 2. Marriage Counseling: Before Marriage

 The Physical – Energetic- and Spiritual Qualities that a person normally looks for

in a relationship –  are those exact qualities that they consciously and subconsciously

thought, felt, imagined, and believed – that they:

• Had Lost
• Had Stolen
• Had Been Shattered
• Need to “wake up” a part of them that is “asleep”

 COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS (#1)

Moving from “I Am” – to “We Are”

Your Heartfelt desires  – are your future whispering to you.

What you want (your heart felt desires) –  is manifested in how you determine and direct your goals…

When you want something – Offer it up to God first and then ask: “This, or something Better”

When you receive something – Offer it up to God – and dedicate it for the “Highest Good”

A Real Friend – Will Feed Your Soul

The true quality of a Mate – is their “Devotion”

Devotion to the Path (Divine)

Devotion to you as their Mate

(Devotion is defined as A Strong Love, Manifesting as Commitment – a High Level of Trust – Respect – and Loyalty)

When you are doing the work – because of your love for God – Your Three Bodies naturally balance their Energy Fields

This allows the Divine to love and work through you – Then Manifestation comes easy –

Communication

When I listen to another – I “Erase my Blackboard”

I enter into and become the other.

When I become the other – There is no “Me” – only “True Listening”

Common Problems (#1)

There are questions of “Prep” Questions

Needed to ask before marriage that may save you future heartache and pain.

The following questions need to be asked in this meeting.

1. How did the two of you meet?
2. How long have you known each other?
3. How long have you been dating?
4. Are you formally engaged?
5. How and why did you decide that you should get married?
6. When do you plan to get married?
7. Where will you get married – and by whom?
8. Why do you want to get married?
9. Why do you want to have Pre-Marriage counseling?
10. What is your Spiritual/Religious faith?
11. Is it your desire to have a Spiritual/Religious Ceremony and wedding?
12. To the best of your knowledge, what is a Spiritual/Religious marriage?
13. How is a Spiritual/Religious service and marriage different from other marriages?
14. Do you have any expressed concerns – If so, what are they?
15. Have either of you been married before?
16. Have either of you been “in love” before?
17. How many times?
18. How long ago was the last time?
19. What is there about your present relationship that makes it different from those past instances that did not last?
20. Describe the spiritual dimension of your relationship up to this time?
21. How do you want your spiritual relationship to improve?
22. Describe both the strengths and the weaknesses of your mate.
23. What is it about your mate that attracted you?
24. What potential problems do you anticipate in your marriage?
25. Have you been involved in Drinking, Gambling, or Pornography in the past or are you at present?
26. How do you want to spend our days off?
27. What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?

How do you feel about a particular issue, and why?

Getting both spouses to air their views on an issue that may be important to one or both is a key ingredient to helping them understand their dilemma and how to deal with it.

What is one change you are willing to make to improve things?

What is your backup plan?

What is the biggest cause of your arguments?

Core-Values, Previous Relationships, Marriage Roles, Finances and Career Concerns, Home, Sex and Intimacy, Family – Stepfamily – and In-laws,

Children and Child-Discipline, Communication and Conflict, Full Disclosure

Common Problems (#2)

There are questions to ask before marriage that may save you untold heartache and pain.

It must be understood that some pre-marriage questions may prompt answers that are “Deal Breakers!”

In other words, if you cannot agree on fundamental and core value issues, your marriage will not work!

Since marriage is the joining of two lives and two destinies, having clear expectations of each other and mutually agreeing upon those expectations will help you in overcoming  the many obstacles of your life together.

Some of our questions to ask before marriage are open-ended, prompting discussion – and your answers will either make or break your marriage.

72 Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Core Values  

1. What are your spiritual beliefs?
2. Are you committed to practicing what you believe?
3. How important are they to you?
4. Do you think marriage is for life?
5. What do we as a couple want out of life?
6. Do you believe that we should be doing everything together?
7. Can we each pursue our own interests?
8. Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
9. How would you feel if I wanted a night out with my friends now and then?
10. Do you consider marriage a contract or a covenant?
11. Are you comfortable discussing everything? (sexual expectations, religious beliefs, money management, practical responsibilities, children)
12. If we have troubles in our relationship, will you go to counseling with me?

Previous Relationships

1. Have you been in a serious relationship before?
2. Was it a sexual relationship?
3. What did you learn about yourself?
4. Do you think there is emotional baggage being brought in from other relationships

Marriage Roles

1. When two people live together, one usually leads. Who will be the leader in our marriage?
2. What will this kind of leadership mean in the context of our marriage?

Finances and Career Concerns

1. What are your past and present financial obligations (i.e., do you have any outstanding fines or debts)?
2. How much do you owe in debts and what are your assets?
3. How do you handle your money: are you a spender or saver?
4. How much will we earn together?
5. What are our financial goals?
6. How will we budget, and who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time?
7. Who will do the record-keeping?
8. Will we have a joint checking account or separate accounts?
9. How will we make financial decisions together?

Home

1. Where will we live?
2. Who cleans the house (i.e., clean the dishes, toilet, vacuum, etc)?
3. Who makes the meals?
4. Are you willing to negotiate household chores?

Sex and Intimacy

1. What are your expectations about sex?
2. Was your family an affectionate one?
3. Have you ever had sex? (If yes, other issues–emotional and health-related–are now vital to talk about!)
4. Are you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes?
5. Are you willing to read books together that will help to prepare us
6. Do you get jealous easily?
7. Do I have trust issues or feel insecure?
8. How important is affirmation to you?
9. Do I handle compliments well?

Family, Stepfamily, and In-Laws

1. How do your friends feel about your engagement?
2. How do your parents/stepparents feel about your engagement?
3. How do your children/stepchildren feel about your engagement?
4. How will you relate with your Parents and stepparents?
5. What will be the frequency of visiting or socializing?
6. Will you have problems with your friends/family during the holidays?
7. How can you protect your new relationship, while still honoring your parents?
8. What do you like and dislike about your family?
9. What do you like and dislike about their family?
10. What do you like and dislike about your parents’ marriage?
11. What do you like and dislike about their parents’ marriage?

Children and Stepchildren

1. What do you think about having children?
2. When will you have children and how many?
3. What type of birth control should we use if we want to postpone or prevent parenthood?
4. How do you feel about adoption?
5. How will we discipline the children – step-children?
6. What were your personal “growing up” experiences like – and do you think you’ve seen good parenting modeling?
7. Will one of us stay home after we have children

Communication and Conflict

1. How well do we handle conflict?
2. How will we make decisions together?
3. How will we make decisions when we disagree?
4. Do you expect or want the other to change?
5. Does conflict make you angry?

Full Disclosure

1. Is there anything about your past that I don’t know, but should be aware of?
2. Do you have any physical or mental health issues?
3. Do you have a criminal record?
4. Have you ever hit someone?
5. Do you excessively drink, gamble, or view pornography?
6. What are you NOT willing to give up for our marriage?
7. Can you identify inner fears about our future relationship?
8. Can you talk openly about everything?
9. If you could change one thing (anything!) about me, what would it be?

3. Marriage Counseling: Before Marriage  

Finding the Right “Intimacy” in Magical Practice

In order for a Daoist Priest to effectively practice Sex Magic, it is important to understand that there are numerous levels of intimacy and energetic involvement that influence the exchange of sexual power. If a priest is attracted to and chooses a sexual partner that is energetically and spiritually lower and “less evolved” than he or she is, then the power generated from their Sex Magic (and their relationship) will not adequately engage the priest’s true potential. For example, imagine that an individual has matured to the Fifth Level of relationship, and is considered to be a “5.3” in his or her spiritual evolution. Now imagine that the individual chooses a partner who is at the Third Level of spiritual evolution. The combined energetic and spiritual fusion of their relationship will generally cause the higher evolved individual to drop down to a lower level (e.g., “3.5”) in his or her spiritual evolution in order to maintain the relationship. Because the couple is constantly exchanging karmas through sex, the partner existing at the lower spiritual level is actually bleeding Qi away from the priest, who could be using this energy to take him or herself to the next spiritual level.

A decrease in the level of magical potential was always considered to be dangerous to any individual training on a spiritual path. Therefore in ancient times, mystics were always encouraged to find a partner of an equal level of magical ability when performing the Dual-Cultivation techniques used in Sex Magic. However, if the individual was instead performing the vampire techniques used in Single Cultivation Sex Magic, he or she was welcome to “use” anyone that contained high energetic potential.

The following levels are used in order to help the priest further his or her own spiritual evolution through understanding the realm of relationships. These categories help the priest in choosing “candidates” and “potentials” for Sex Magic. I will begin at the lowest levels of relationship (Levels 1-4) and proceed to the upper, more highly evolved levels of intimacy and energetic involvement (Levels 5-8).

In ancient times, the true Dual-Cultivation practice used in Sex Magic was reserved for individuals who had spiritually arrived at the Fifth Level of a conscious relationship. This is because it was believed that at the Fifth Level of the relationship, the individual had already removed the majority of the cultural anesthesia and delusions that supported his or her previous state of relationship awareness.

The relationships between individuals from the fourth level down are primarily influenced and governed by mechanical responses. These mechanical responses are automatic reactions of imprinted patterns; these ways of expression are programmed through “cultural trance.” Conscious growth occurs when an individual allows him or herself to consciously experience and “awaken” within a traumatic event that has shocked his or her system. This initial shock forces the individual out of his or her comfort zone. Generally, people surviving in the lower levels of relationships do not retain the special “gifts” and “glimpses” of higher-level experiences that they encounter when they experience these shocks. This is because in the lower levels, depending on the individual’s spiritual evolution, his or her innate mechanical responses tend to always bring the individual back down to the lower levels of experience. Under stress, an individual’s survival mode becomes activated, and they naturally revert back to their original coping mechanism. However, once an individual awakens and learns how to attune and align him or herself to the more advanced levels of relating conscious and intentional transformation is possible.

In order for an individual to initiate and maintain a conscious transformation to a higher level of relationship, he or she must first experience a spiritual awakening. Next, they must have a willingness to learn from the experience (e.g., change, ask, listen, act, and then reflect on the results of their actions). The act of true seeking and asking leads the individual to conscious growth. This also attracts the attention of more highly evolved individuals who will then act as spiritual mentors and catalysts to the individual’s growth and evolution.

• The First Level (Materia Prima: Yuan Jing, Qi, and Shen): In this first level of sexual relationship, energy is created from basic animal desires, passions, and lusts, mostly derived from an individual’s fear, need to possess, and desire to control. In this first level, sexual contact generally exists on a predatory level, as one or both individuals are looking for a sexual release. Feeling disconnected from themselves and the world around them causes individuals living at the first level of a relationship to experience a sense of separation that further stimulates their fear of death and increases the panicked need for sexual release.

The first level of sexual relationships focuses on the sensations of the body. Generally, the frequent and casual sexual encounters at this level are experienced by anesthetizing the body’s Hun (Ethereal Soul). This can occur through the chronic consumption of alcohol or drugs. As these toxins begin to overtax the liver, they cause the Hun to leave the body and allow the animal nature of the individual’s Po (Corporeal Soul) to take charge.

This lowest level of sexual relationship involves the unconscious alchemical formation of toxic energetic states. These toxic states are created from the careless energetic encounters inherent in casual sex. Such turbid energetic states are the result of discharged lower base energies that have been released from the body’s unrefined Yuan Jing, Qi, and Shen (Original Life-force Essence, Original Life-Force Energy, Original Spirit). When not used consciously and creatively, the Yuan Shen and Qi (Original Spirit and Energy) energetically break things down to materia prima, causing memories, thoughts, and feelings to become lodged within the cells and tissues.

The prolonged absence of the body’s Hun (also known as the heart’s spiritual councilor) and the overexposed controlling nature of the body’s Po eventually take their toll, causing the individual’s Shen (spirit) to eventually disassociate from its true core self (Shen Xian). This energetic separation can eventually lead to karmic death and the manifestation of various forms of Shen Disturbances (unbalanced spiritual states). When the energetic separation of the body’s Hun and Yuan Shen becomes chronic, a type of spirit possession known as “Ghost Sex” can occur. In Ghost Sex, a spirit entity uses the individual’s body as a vessel for draining the life force energy from the bodies of unsuspecting victims. This energetic pattern can eventually lead to sexual addiction, nymphomania, and other serious psychological problems.

• The Second Level (Yin and Yang): The second level of sexual relationship is created from sexual contact based on a “contractual relationship.” In this level of sexual relationship, there is a value exchange, in which ambitious couples come together for the specific purpose of conscious or unconscious agreed business partnership. Here the primary goal of an intimate encounter is to achieve a particular objective, such as increasing financial security, improving social status, improving occupational advancement, etc. In this level of sexual relationship, the individuals prostitute themselves in order to obtain wealth, power, position, and even survival.

The second level of sexual relationships focuses on feelings and emotions. The intimacy in the second-level relationship is generally expressed through extreme vacillations of energetic highs and lows. In this level, the energetic exchange of karma between the two individuals’ core channels quickly takes its toll due to the extreme emotional nature of the relationship.

• The Third Level (The Five Elements): The third level of sexual relationship is created from sexual contact based on the goal of creating a family, tribe, or clan. The complicated karma created from this sexual encounter can last for lifetimes. If both individuals are not spiritually based, for example, they can inadvertently create energetic “monsters.” These spirit entities and toxic energetic patterns can in turn create certain social and psychological dysfunctional states that can be passed down from one family generation to another, existing for many years.

The third level of sexual relationships focuses on the mind and intellect.

• The Fourth Level (The Five Planets): The fourth level of sexual relationship is created from sexual contact based on finding a life partner. In this level of sexual intimacy, a partnership is created in order to bring about something “new” in the world.

This is considered to be a karmic relationship. The attraction is based on the recognition of a kindred spirit, and the relationship is believed to be destined by “fate.” Each individual feels that he or she is fulfilling his or her karma with this partner and that they as a couple are completing an important part of their destiny together. In this level of intimacy and energetic involvement, both individuals have the ability to grow spiritually by constantly supporting each other.

In the fourth level of sexual relationships, there is a polarized release. Each individual is nourished by the energy released from his or her partner through the power of sex, which tends to create harmony and balance. However, in this level of relationship, the individuals are still in a state of extreme, and they will feel that energetic split when they are apart from each other.

In this level, what attracts the individual at the beginning of the relationship will eventually repel him or her at the end of the relationship. This can be understood by comparing the experience of a relationship with a fourth-level partner to the reflection in a mirror. If a mirror is considered to be a lighted shadow, then, at the beginning of the relationship the individuals are “shadow hugging,” having fallen in love with the image of the polar opposite of themselves. However, at the end of the relationship, the individuals tend to be “shadowboxing,” attacking the same initial qualities that originally attracted them to that particular mate.

The fourth level of sexual relationships focuses on the experiences of the lower spiritual realm. When a couple performs Dual-Cultivation Sex Magic at this level, the energetic exchange only lasts as long as the couple is engaged in sexual intercourse. However, because of a deeper, more advanced understanding of relating, if a priest of Black Magic performs the Sexual Vampire technique at this level, he or she will tend to have great success in draining his or her partner’s life-force energy.

• The Fifth Level (The Solar System): The fifth level of sexual relationship is created from sexual contact based on self-realization and true Dual-Cultivation. This level is considered to be the first real stage of conscious evolution, in which each individual benefits the other spiritually. In this level of sexual intimacy, the Divine comes in as a third energetic force. This relationship is considered to be the manifestation of a “true marriage,” and the fusion of Man (Sun), Woman (Moon), and the infinite power of the Dao (Divine).

The fifth level of sexual relationship focuses on the values and insights of the upper spiritual realm and the soul of the individual. At this level, all choices and decisions are based on the desire to nurture the relationship and the personal unfoldment of the individual’s soul. Because each partner is already nourished by his or her own relationship with the Divine, each partner is free to live as a true friend to his or her mate, choosing to be together and to be nourished by the other’s presence. At this stage of spiritual evolution, the couple’s dedication to each other allows their Sex Magic to become extremely powerful, and their magical creativity now produces more divine love and light.

When a couple performs Dual-Cultivation Sex Magic at this level, the energetic exchange can last up to 36 hours beyond the ending of the Sex Magic ritual. Because of this sanctified union, in one sexual encounter, the priest can gather up a month's worth of cultivated energy (Figure 1.180). Couples in the lower levels of the relationship require at least 30 days of regular Dual-Cultivation practice in order to cultivate a similar amount of energy.

• The Sixth Level (The Galaxy): The sixth level of sexual relationship is created from sexual contact based on true intimacy, where the couple exists as lover and beloved. Because each partner is intimately connected to his or her own core self, the act of sex is now used to open up each other’s energetic space, and the “afterglow” experienced after sex is used in order to allow for both partners’ personal spiritual transcendence. The couple's sexual relationship is now becoming an expression of the maturity of the Soul Body.

In this level of relationship,p there is no competition. Each individual is truly overjoyed when their mate thrives or becomes successful. When one succeeds, the other is also nourished. In this level of intimacy, love is something that each individual does naturally, not something that he or she “falls into” or “falls out of.” The discipline that requires the moment-to-moment choice of commitment and surrenders to a mate’s highest good now occurs easily.

• The Seventh Level (The Wuji): In the seventh level of intimacy, the energetic involvement of the sexual relationship is focused on flowing within the energy of the eternal Dao. In this level of relationship, both individuals willingly choose to follow “Heaven’s Mandate” and consider their life’s mission as a couple to be more important than their own separate wills. Acting as agents of the Divine, the couple stands at the edge of creation, existing between being and non-being, able to move within the various energetic levels of the universe.

• The Eighth Level (The Dao): In the eighth level of sexual relationship, the primary goal of sexual contact is to return to the Dao. This is the true transcending relationship, wherein both individuals fuse with the Divine via the vehicle of sexual union, and they become one with the Dao.

In this level of relationship, there is complete surrender, and the couple’s hearts are both open to the highest levels of divine love and true ecstasy. This powerful sexual union is infused with so much divine love that the couple forgets about themselves and energetically dissolves into the radiating fullness of divine love itself. With no boundaries to protect, the couple remains completely open to the experience of giving and receiving divine love in its most powerful and sublime energetic form.